missing duck

hello there folks. long time since last post. so, explanation?

Well, there has been a lot going on - mostly inside my head I think. Things have felt just a little too big and too internal to blog. Don't feel special though - I have been just as neglectful of my non-cyber friends as well.... I apologise if I worried anyone by my prolonged absence -especially you Rhonda Jean. :-)

Even now I am not sure where to start. I feel like I have have been through an accelerated spiritual awakening - or perhaps I am still in it. That sounds so ridiculous doesn't it. But I am not sure what other words to use.

I have fallen in love with a farm. I think. But I am not sure. How do you know? How do you tell the difference between grasping and knowing - between wanting and intuition?

I have always dreamed of returning to the land - of living in the bush - of space and freedom and a simpler, pared down life. But for most of my twenties, I was busy doing other things, that this yearning was just a vague thing - not really a yearning at all. And I was still topped up from an idyllic childhood full of space and trees and ponies.

And really I didn't know WHAT I wanted out of life - I had lovely jobs, knew lovely people and formed two relationships with men that knew EXACTLY what THEY wanted - so it was really just easy to support their dreams and goals, because mine seemed so quiet and little compared to the biggness and certainty that fueled theirs. They KNEW what they wanted out of life - whereas I just seemed to drift and float - as different opportunities opened up in different ways. Increasingly though, that yearning has gotten stronger and stronger. Sounds simple yeah? But I married a city boy, who has never dreamed of such a life.

When my first relationship broke up there was a long period of starting to find out who I was and what I wanted to do - for ME. I had just bought my own little town house - all on my own, and at the time that seemed like more than enough planet to call my own. I daydreamed about one day moving to a farm, but getting some real estate behind me, and some sort of a career seemed like the most important thing.

And then I met Mr Duck Herder and we fell very much in love. And for a SECOND time, I moved into the house of my beloved ( this time with quite a lot of reluctance and resistance and TEARS) But, for Mr Duck Herder, being an athlete is the most important thing in the world. And he pushed HARD for us to live here (after a brief interlude squished into my little town house while we turned what was once the home he bought with his first wife into the princess castle) so he could be in the midst of his running, cycling and swimming mecca.

And I have learned to love it here. And our house is truly beautiful and comfortable and if you wanted to life in town - perfect in all regards.

But I still YEARN.

My beloved is an athlete - a pretty good one at the end of his career. For the last few years, and for the next 16 months we have agreed that this is his time to achieve everything he possibly can as an athlete - before his body gets too old. So he is not working much, but training heaps. And the deal is that then we can move to a farm.

But what if this is the farm? This 120 acres of rolling pasture and creek flats on a permanent creek - with spring fed dams, a well, and old orchard, a 100 year old stone and mortar cottage .......surrounded by national park on one side, in a quiet, little oasis, 1 hour from ONC, perfect sandy hillsides for my pine nut plantation, with some exquisite remnant veg, yellow tailed black cockatoos, echidnas, wombats and snakes.

And Mr Duck Herder has been out to have a look. And he says he could live there. We would need to somehow negotiate a long settlement - to take account of his next year and a half of competing.

It could possibly work out.

But I am beset with fears. What if he doesn't like it? Now the tables are turned, and we are sort of planning to make decisions that are about what I want, and the changes and compromises will be his, I am scared. And I feel pressure.

and that's what has been going on.

On the garden front however, there has been BERRIES!!! Lots and lots of mulberries, youngberries and raspberries. For breakfast every morning.

yum yum.